I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
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How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no