I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
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Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”