I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
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My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
