I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
You Might Also Like
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
some things should go without saying
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.