I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
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Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
work smarter, not harder
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths