I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
HOW DARE YOU
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.