I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

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My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.


Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.


[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*


Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.


Me: “I feel like I’m 90 years old.”
My Skin: “Let’s go through puberty again.”


me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance


I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.


I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.



ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?