My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Me: “I feel like I’m 90 years old.”
My Skin: “Let’s go through puberty again.”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?