I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
But I really needed water water water
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.