Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve disappointed better people.

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.