Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The three genders

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day