I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
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Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no