I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
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When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie