I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
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I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system