Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.