I just died πππππ
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Iβm tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said βif you just did what I wanted I wouldnβt get mad.β
Same, kid. Same.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: βhey man, how ought one to liveβ
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Everyone is all βlove is patientβ during the wedding but when thereβs a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
IβLL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldnβt work for a week.
Jurassic park gets weird
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
Itβs my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia thingsβ¦tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: Iβll save you the troubleβ¦Youβre whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOUβRE DRIVING
My son told me he used βair conditionerβ in the shower so now I guess he hasβ¦cool hair.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didnβt know you did that for fun.
Replace someoneβs MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and youβll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: Whatβs updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] βThere has to be a better way.β
VOICEOVER: βHot tubs.β
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Sure Iβm stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Me: Youβre my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
βHow do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
KID:Dad whatβs the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots