I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
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Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Passwords are more important than ever.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women
Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.