I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
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[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.