“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
💀💀
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Home #decor warning.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire