I just died πππππ
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You donβt scare me, youβre not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Letβs hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their storeβs impending closure …
yall can name 10 kardashians but you canβt name 10 jesuses
coworker: weβre all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks iβm not hungry
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask βare they related toβ¦β the answer is always yes
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I enjoy a good short stor
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
me: sorry i couldnβt stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Kids will be like βletβs play hide and seek!β, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, Iβm learning to play the drums
getting seasonal up in here
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
My 7 year old asked me why my brotherβs family βonly eats 3 meals a dayβ and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]β¦ornate
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[In the bathroom]
Wife: Iβm not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!