Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

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