I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
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DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Here to help
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more