Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*launders Kohls cash*

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.