I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
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I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son