Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.