Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

all that yoga finally paid off

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

IT’S-A ME,

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

Passed by a old school Math example today.

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.