I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
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The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.