I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
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All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
very niche meme I made
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?