I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
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I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
☺️
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
This is why I hate group projects
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end