Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?