Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

This is always good for a laugh.

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

☺️

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.