Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

Autocorrect completely socks

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it