I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
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Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
every college guy’s fridge
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Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.