Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

Lmao 🤣

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

oh u like history? name everything that happened

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.