I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
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“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
*lint rolls you awake*
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married