I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
You Might Also Like
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned