I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
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girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take