I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
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Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily