I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
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me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*