Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
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Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.