I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

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Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.


Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.


Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.


I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.


The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.


*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.


Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.


[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone


As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’


Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.