I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
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Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted