Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

A family that plays together cheats.

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

Thank you 🥹