“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
You Might Also Like
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I try
Donkey Kong sommelier
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks