“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
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If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Can. I. Help. You.
Before & after 😅
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow