Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
The government even made aliens boring
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift