I just drained a 6 pack of club soda in 20 minutes and I’m wucking faisted

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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.


Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s


SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.


I like Australian kisses.

They’re just like French kisses but down under.


At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.


Coworker: I lost my phone.


CW: I don’t know where it is.

M:*perplexed look* You’re not glued to it like a NORMAL person? Freak!


A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.


In my house there are 5 females, 9423 pony tail holders, 49 bottles of nail polish, 8 justin bieber posters & 1 very patient, worn down man.


me to my husband: i love you for who you are on the inside…spare organs


You’re right, homeless man on the subway…it is a “clip your toenails into your McDonald’s cup” kind of morning.