You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
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Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom