Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

Childbirth is so beautiful

Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.