I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
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THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Straight people are cancelled
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Facebook memories be like
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
