I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

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You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.


Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”


This town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse.


me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer

guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that


I think the 2016 Cubs would beat the 1908 Cubs. First, the 1908 Cubs are all dead. Second, the 2016 Cubs are all alive.


[Jogs to a halt in front of you minutes after a fire truck passes]That guy’s (panting) never gonna sell any fire (panting) driving that fast


employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce


Guys say “never trust something that bleeds seven days and doesn’t die” as if something with two heads powered by one brain is trustworthy.


I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.


Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.