@horacedodge

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

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@AnniemuMary

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

@iGreenMonk

Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”

@yonewt

This town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse.

@JhonRules

me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer

guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that

@JeremyBRoberts

I think the 2016 Cubs would beat the 1908 Cubs. First, the 1908 Cubs are all dead. Second, the 2016 Cubs are all alive.

@Piecezilla

[Jogs to a halt in front of you minutes after a fire truck passes]That guy’s (panting) never gonna sell any fire (panting) driving that fast

@prufrockluvsong

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

@lilgapeach30

Guys say “never trust something that bleeds seven days and doesn’t die” as if something with two heads powered by one brain is trustworthy.

@Kali_Mura

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

@WilliamAder

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.