I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
You Might Also Like
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me