Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

I’m not alone. I have ants.

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”

Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”

Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: “Brochure”

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa