Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

Science memes

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.