I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
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My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Natural selection at its finest
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too