Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

The legends speak of a third Duran…

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

A fake ID that makes you younger

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you