Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.