I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
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Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.