I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
You Might Also Like
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna