Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

Candles never taste the way they smell

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

Cake safety first. Always.

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.