I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
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Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.