Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

I’m not sorry.

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah