I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
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I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”
You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.