I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
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Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
i’m still crying at this
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog