I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
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Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.