I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
You Might Also Like
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.