Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

same but as an audience member

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice