Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly