Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.