I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
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“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Not😆🤣
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not