I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
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Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
channeling her this year
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.