[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
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Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*