Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

What’s so funny?

From my Mom

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.