Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it