Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

#Caturday

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

🐟✨ #re4

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there