I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
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Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Made something I’m not proud of
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here