I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
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Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
the prophecies have been fulfilled
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Toxic snake
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
This is I, Robot all over again
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”